terms of employment

dwarf pty ltd · standard agreement · version 137 · supersedes versions 1–136, which were fine

1. formation. by signing up to the newsletter, opening the developer console, reading this page, or thinking about the brand in a neutral-to-positive way, you ("the employee") accept employment with dwarf pty ltd ("the company", "a ten billion dollar clothing brand", "we").

2. compensation. $2.99 per hour, reviewed never. payment is issued quarterly, in exposure. the 10% newsletter discount applies to your first order and is deducted from your first paycheck. there is no first paycheck.

3. hours. shifts run 16 hours and include one 4 minute break, which you may spend however you like. clocking out is a legacy feature and has been deprecated.

4. duties. whatever needs doing. this includes, without limitation: folding, unfolding, refolding, witnessing, apologising to the dummy, and pressing the button when told. you waive the right to ask which button.

5. probation. the probation period lasts forever. performance is measured against the crash test dummy, who has never complained once.

6. dress code. standard issue, size L. you are a size L. the company has decided this. see the size guide if you disagree; it will not help.

7. workplace safety. the workplace is the earth, which is on fire (see asset register, item 1). helmets are available. they are for the dummy.

8. intellectual property. anything you invent, dream, or mutter during your shift belongs to the company. anything you invent during your 4 minute break also belongs to the company, we checked with legal, legal is a cat.

9. confidentiality. you waive the right to read clause 10.

10. [redacted]. [redacted], and furthermore [redacted]. this clause is load-bearing.

11. resignation. you may resign at any time by not existing. a notice period of ten billion years applies. garden leave will be spent in the garden. the garden is also on fire.

12. termination. the company may terminate this agreement at any time by pressing equals on the doomsday calculator. results are final.

13. disputes. disputes are settled by the dummy, who abstains. the motion carries.

14. severability. if any clause is found to be unenforceable, illegal, or embarrassing, the remaining clauses will pretend not to know it.

15. governing law. this agreement is binding in all jurisdictions, including several that no longer exist and one we made up (see clause 10).

16. entire agreement. this is the entire agreement. there is nothing else. there never was. welcome to the team.